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5 things that my mother’s death has taught me
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Losing your mother isn’t something you can ever prepare for. She was a significant part of your life, and now you have adjust to her not being around. Sometimes it becomes hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel but with time, you will.
I have learned that grief isn’t something you can just get over, but I’ve also realized that grieving can make your life richer in unexpected ways. I want to share five things my mother’s death has taught me in hopes that it will help someone else going through losing their mother.
Be Kind to Yourself
When I lost my mother, I remember not taking care of myself or punishing myself for the way I was grieving. I became forgetful, and my mind was foggy. You have to remember that everyone grieves differently. You are grieving, and you can’t feel guilty for doing so. Be kind and take care of yourself; it’s one of the most important things you can do.
You’re the Source of Your Prosperity
While grieving, I learned everyone has their own coping mechanisms. But some of these mechanisms don’t always support self-care. The best thing you can do for yourself is to face grief directly, no matter how hard it may be. I chose to thrive through prioritizing self-care. Whether it is enjoying your favorite coffee drink or taking a long bath with your favorite bath bomb, prioritize yourself.
Do What Works for You
I found myself not to be super religious, but I still appreciated guidance from the campus chaplain at my college. I hadn’t danced since I was a kid, but I found stress relief and joy in taking a few dance classes. There is no specific method to get through grieving, so see what works for you and use it to get through those hard times.
No One Can Fill That Void in Your Life
The hole in my heart created when my mom left this earth, is a hole that no one else can fill. I used to wonder who would ever understand me, the way that my mother did? Or who will I call with problems that only mom can solve? I have amazing influences in my life who are there for me when I need them, but they will never replace my mom. Healing does not mean we have to substitute, but we must expand, despite the holes we carry.
Healing With Time
You’ll often hear that “time heals all wounds.” On the contrary, grieving doesn’t have a timeline. There will always be good and bad days, but once we make it through those bad days, we’ll find a greater appreciation for the little joys on the good days. By finding effective coping mechanisms, you’ll begin living in the present again. My mood does not have to be determined by the pain I endured in the past.
Losing a parent is just plain hard. I hope sharing my story in lessons I’ve learned helps someone else who is dealing with the pain of losing a parent.
Thanksgiving can be challenging when you’re grieving. A holiday centered on gratitude, family gatherings, and celebration can seem daunting when someone close to you is no longer there. The traditions that used to bring warmth might now feel empty, and feelings of sadness, anger, or confusion may overshadow gratitude. But in times of loss, Thanksgiving can also offer a unique opportunity to remember, honor, and slowly begin healing. Here are some gentle ways to approach Thanksgiving after losing a loved one, allowing space for both grief and gratitude. 1. Acknowledge Your Feelings It’s okay if you’re not feeling grateful or festive this Thanksgiving. Loss can bring waves of complex emotions, and it’s essential to honor these feelings without judgment. Grief isn’t linear; it shows up in unexpected ways and doesn’t always align with holiday expectations. Allow yourself to feel however you need to, whether it’s sadness, anger, or even numbness. Give yourself permission to experience Thanksgiving differently this year. 2. Create Space for Remembrance Thanksgiving can be a beautiful opportunity to honor your loved one’s memory. Consider setting a place at the table for them, lighting a candle, or making their favorite dish. Invite others to share stories about your loved one, reflecting on the joy they brought to your lives. By creating space for their memory, you’re not only honoring them but also integrating their presence into your traditions. 3. Embrace New Traditions After a loss, it can be painful to follow the same rituals and traditions. Instead, try exploring new traditions that feel right for you. Maybe this Thanksgiving, you decide to spend time in nature, volunteer at a shelter, or have a smaller, quieter meal with close friends or family. New traditions don’t erase the old ones—they’re ways to adapt to your current emotional landscape and honor your needs during this time. 4. Connect with Others Who Understand Grieving can often feel isolating, especially during a holiday centered around togetherness. If you have friends or family who are also experiencing loss, reach out and connect with them. If that’s not possible, consider looking into local support groups or online communities where people share similar experiences. Knowing you’re not alone in your grief can be comforting, and the shared understanding can bring a sense of community that’s especially healing during the holidays. 5. Focus on Small Moments of Gratitude Gratitude may feel difficult or even impossible to access when grieving, but it doesn’t have to be about grand gestures or feelings. Instead, focus on small, quiet moments that offer peace or comfort, such as a beautiful sunset, the warmth of a cozy blanket, or a kind word from a friend. These small things can provide a gentle reminder that joy can still coexist with sorrow. 6. Give Yourself Permission to Skip or Scale Back the Celebration You might feel pressured to put on a brave face or participate fully in Thanksgiving traditions, but it’s okay if that’s not where you’re at this year. Give yourself permission to set boundaries and skip or scale back on what feels overwhelming. Grief doesn’t follow a holiday schedule, and it’s okay to take a step back to care for yourself. Loved ones will understand if you need a little more space or choose to spend the holiday differently. If Thanksgiving feels especially hard this year, remember you’re not alone. Grief is a testament to love, and by finding ways to celebrate, you’re honoring the love that still lives on within you. May this Thanksgiving bring you moments of comfort, the warmth of cherished memories, and the quiet understanding that healing is a journey you don’t have to walk alone.
Grief is a universal experience, yet each person’s journey through it is unique. Whether we’re grieving the loss of a loved one, a significant life change, or even the end of a cherished relationship, the support we receive can make a crucial difference in how we heal and move forward. Various types of grief support offer different benefits and understanding what’s available is the first step to finding what works best for you. Here’s an overview of different types of grief support and tips on finding local resources. Individual Therapy What It Is: Individual therapy, usually with a licensed therapist or counselor, is a one-on-one experience tailored to your personal grief journey. Therapists help you process feelings, manage symptoms of depression or anxiety, and develop coping strategies for day-to-day life. Benefits: This support is highly personalized and can adapt over time to meet your evolving needs. Many therapists specialize in grief counseling and can offer specialized techniques like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which helps reframe negative thoughts, or grief-specific techniques to process loss. How to Find It Locally: Search online directories like Psychology Today or TherapyDen, which allow you to filter by specialty and location. Your primary care doctor or local hospital may also provide referrals to grief therapists nearby. Support Groups What They Are: Grief support groups are gatherings of people who are all dealing with loss. They’re typically led by a counselor or trained facilitator and offer a safe space to share experiences, give and receive support, and learn coping strategies. Benefits: These groups help to reduce feelings of isolation and allow for mutual support among participants. Many find comfort in being able to relate to others who truly understand their loss, creating a strong sense of community. How to Find It Locally: Local community centers, hospitals, or religious organizations often host grief support groups. You can also find directories through organizations like GriefShare, which lists groups worldwide, or through the National Alliance for Grieving Children if you’re seeking support for younger family members. Online Grief Support Communities What They Are: Online support communities provide 24/7 access to support networks through forums, chat rooms, and video groups. These platforms can range from general grief support forums to specialized groups focusing on specific types of loss (e.g., losing a spouse, child, or dealing with prolonged illness). Benefits: Online support is ideal for those who may not have access to local resources, have difficulty with transportation, or prefer anonymity. You can also access support anytime, making it a flexible option. How to Find It Locally: Even if your group is online, joining a local group can be helpful for occasional in-person meetups. Websites like Grief In Common or The Compassionate Friends offer both online and local chapters, making it easy to connect with people nearby. Books and Self-Help Resources What They Are: Books, workbooks, and online courses can provide self-directed support for those who prefer to work through their grief independently. Many of these resources provide exercises, coping strategies, and stories from others who have navigated grief. Benefits: Self-help resources offer flexibility and privacy. They can be particularly useful for people who are beginning to explore grief or want supplementary support alongside other therapies or group work. How to Find It Locally: Libraries, bookstores, and online platforms like Audible or Kindle Unlimited offer a range of grief-related materials. Many therapists or grief organizations provide recommendations, or you can check popular titles like On Grief and Grieving by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross for trusted insights. The journey through grief doesn’t have to be walked alone. Finding the right type of support and connecting with resources can provide essential comfort, perspective, and healing. Whether you seek the company of others, prefer a one-on-one approach, or are drawn to creative expression, there is support out there to help you through. Don’t hesitate to reach out—healing is within reach.
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First Steps to Take After a Loved One Has Passed Away Losing a loved one is one of the most challenging experiences a person can face. The grieving process is personal and unique, often accompanied by feelings of shock, confusion, and overwhelming sadness. However, amidst these emotions, certain practical steps must be taken in the immediate aftermath to ensure that legal and personal matters are handled appropriately. Here is a guide to help you navigate the first steps after a loved one passes away. Take Time to Process the Loss The first and most crucial step is to allow yourself a moment to process the loss. Experiencing a range of emotions is entirely normal, and you may need to reach out for support from family, friends, or even professionals. Notify Close Family and Friends Begin by informing immediate family members and close friends about the passing. Contact the Appropriate Authorities If your loved one passed away at home, you will need to contact the appropriate authorities to confirm the death. A medical professional will need to declare the death and provide a formal pronouncement, which is necessary for obtaining a death certificate. Arrange for Transportation of the Body After the death is confirmed, you will need to arrange for the body to be transported to a funeral home or crematory. If your loved one had pre-arranged plans for their final arrangements, follow those instructions. If not, you will need to choose a funeral home yourself. The funeral home staff can guide you through the initial steps, including the transportation of your loved one. Obtain the Death Certificate A death certificate is a legal document that officially confirms the death of your loved one. You will need multiple copies of the death certificate for various purposes, such as settling the estate, closing accounts, and accessing benefits. The funeral home often assists in obtaining this document, but you can also request it from your local vital records office. Review Existing Wishes or Pre-Arrangements If your loved one left behind a will, living trust, or other pre-arrangements, it’s important to locate these documents early in the process. They may contain instructions for funeral or memorial arrangements, as well as information about the handling of the estate. The existence of these plans can provide guidance during a difficult time and help prevent disagreements among family members. Notify Key Parties and Institutions Begin notifying key parties about the death. Here are some of the individuals and institutions you may need to inform: Employer : Notify your loved one’s employer if they were still working. They may need to process final payments, pensions, or other employment-related matters. Insurance Companies : Contact life insurance companies to begin the claim process. Social Security Office : Notify the Social Security Administration if your loved one was receiving benefits. Banks and Financial Institutions : Inform banks, investment firms, and any other financial institutions about the death to freeze accounts and prevent fraudulent activity. Utilities and Subscription Services : Gradually contact utilities, credit card companies, and other subscription services to close accounts or change billing information. Plan the Funeral or Memorial Service The funeral or memorial service is a meaningful opportunity to honor your loved one’s life. You may choose a traditional funeral, a private memorial, or another type of gathering that reflects their wishes and personality. Collaborate with other family members to determine how you would like to proceed and reach out to a funeral home to help coordinate the arrangements. If your loved one expressed specific desires for their service, do your best to respect those wishes. Begin Settling the Estate The process of settling your loved one’s estate can be complicated, depending on the size and complexity of their assets. If there is a will, it typically designates an executor who is responsible for managing the estate. The executor will need to: Locate Assets and Debts : Identify all assets, debts, and accounts in your loved one’s name. File the Will : File the will with the local probate court if required. Work with an Attorney : You may want to hire an estate attorney to assist with probate and legal matters, especially if the estate is large or contains unique assets. Pay Debts and Taxes : Use estate funds to pay off debts, taxes, and other obligations. The passing of a loved one is a extremely difficult experience that requires both emotional and practical steps. By notifying family, making appropriate arrangements, securing necessary documents, and seeking support, you can take care of the most immediate responsibilities while giving yourself space to grieve. Remember that you do not need to navigate this journey alone; lean on those who care about you, and seek help when needed. This process is not easy, but step by step, you can honor your loved one’s memory while finding a way forward.
